Mark Twain shanked his tool

Homer in the second book of the Illiad, says with fine enthusiasm,
"Give me masterbation or give me death!"

Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to
the foresaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a
benefactor; they that are penniless are yet rich,in that they still have
this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer
has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy." Robinson
Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art."
Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of Virginity." Cetewayo,
the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk inthe hand is worth two in the bush."
The immortal Franklin has said, "Masterbation is the mother of
invention." He also said, "Masterbation is the best policy."
Michelangelo and all the other old masters--Old Masters, I will
remark, is an abbreviation, a contadiction--have used similar
language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is
noble, self-culture is beneficial, self-possession is manly, but to
the truly grand and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared
to self-abuse."
Mark Twain Paris, 1879