Irreverent Thoughts from the Wholly Un-American
Clarence Neveready, Esq.


America the beautiful, land of the free. The only country that believes in God, right? The only country that deserves a higher standard of living at the expense of third world nations. Hunter S. Thompson has called modern America the Fourth Reich. He is not far from the mark.

America is better than anybody else, just ask any manly men in their Ford pickup trucks or any woman at the grocery store with an overflowing shopping cart. Ask the patrons of McDonald's or the nearest shopping mall and they will tell you this is God's kingdom on Earth. More frighteningly ask any elementary school age child. We rule the world with economic might, military force and a righteous swagger that is justified by our TV sitcoms and other sources of corporately controlled media.

We are God of this planet. We are the slavemaster. Laser guided smartbombs and missiles are our whips and American Greenbacks are our chains. Big business is the Father, government the Son, and the CIA the Holy Spirit.

Alas, just like Yin and Yang, Salt and Pepper, Bread and Butter, God cannot exist without Satan. Life was simple when we could blame the Soviet Union for all the world's woes and with it's collapse, the shroud of our own evil empire falls prey to constant exposure. Our solution? Utilizing Washington advertising firms we seek to create "bad guys" for our Budweiser swilling, bible thumping citizens to cast their stones at. First, there was Manuel Noriega, who was put down too quickly to satisfy our appetites. Enter Saddam Hussein.

We were told that we were fighting for the freedom of the people of Kuwait. Since gaining her independence from Britain in 1961 and at the time of the Iragi invasion wasn't only two percent of the richest slice of the population allowed to vote or hold office in an figurehead parliament? Since 1978, hadn't the Emir of Kuwait, Jabir al-Ahmad al-Jabir, been more of a dictator than a King?

Not so, said George "Read My Lips-No New Taxes" Bush. Not so said a crying, female, Kuwaiti as she pleaded to our Congress and to all of America that she had personally witnessed Iraqi soldiers dumping incubators with babies over in a Kuwait City hospital. It later turned out that she was in fact the daughter of a Kuwaiti Ambassador and had been staying in some plush hotel thousands of miles away from Kuwait in August of 1990.

The truth is the war was about oil. We didn't want Iraq to upset the Status Quo of OPEC and thus the global economic market. We didn't want our fat-ass citizens to have to walk or ride a bike. Unlike issues of racism and sexism, the American public might actually become upset with the government at the horrid fear of having to exercise.

So we were sold a war, via prestigious Washington advertising firms, such as Hill and Knowlton. We were sold a villain that we were assured was going to use biological weapons on our sons and daughters. Instead, like the Keystone Cops, we blew his chemical weapons up on ourselves at Khamisiyah, claimed we didn't and blamed it on Hussein anyways.

Having pulverized Iraq's army, we looked around the clearing smoke and saw only ourselves again. So we went after Raoul Cedras in Haiti. Then we went after the Somali warlords. A weak attempt was made to talk up the Fidel Castro threat again. They were all appetizers. The government and CIA realized that the only truly acceptable Satan of the nineties had in fact been Saddam Hussein.

The trigger this time? Iraq ejected U.N. inspectors from the country, claiming that they were spies for the U.S. Though the world's media, America claimed innocence and used Iraq's "Non-compliance" as justification for more sanctions, more laser-guided bombs. After two weeks of bombing, someone in the State Department confirmed that several U.N. inspectors had in fact been installing electronic surveillance devices while "inspecting." This of course was denied by the Sate Department officially and carefully overlooked by the Media. The real reason for the attacks on Iraq and several missile attacks in Sudan and Pakistan? Bill "Jesus" Clinton had received oral pleasures from Monica "Mary Magdalene" Lewinsky, who had been tricked into spilling her beans to Linda "Judas" Tripp and now was being impeached by Congress after an investigation by Kenneth "Pontius Pilate" Starr. Crucified and embarrassed throughout the Media of the world, Clinton's resurrection? The inability to get the required two-thirds majority vote to actually remove the man from office.

Now bombing Iraq has been reduced to a shallow diversionary tactic made to gain public support for an ailing political administration. The misfortunes of the American trinity is that in Saddam Hussein we have lost our Satan. Oh, he's still bad-it's just that our policies are actually elevating him past the role of Satan and taking him right into the neighborhood of a biblical Anitchrist. The more we bomb Iraq, the more we tighten our sanctions, the more we actually weave a sick cocoon that will transform the madman into a surreal apocalyptic butterfly. Saddam Hussein will have no choice but to research weapons of mass destruction or some super biological agent or virus that could wipe out humanity as we know it. The more we treat him like an enemy, the more of an enemy he will become. Can't we see this? We are creating our own problems in the Middle East just like we did at the end of World War I. It's time to stop our policy of smartbomb divine intervention and to make peace with this man before we drive him to retaliate like a cornered Rattlesnake. We need to look in the mirror and realize that God and Satan are the same thing because one cannot exist without the other.

It's time for the United States to drop it's delusions of grandeur and realize if there is a God up in the sky, let's leave the wrath and judgment up to him, lest we be judged ourselves. With our false wars and our Third World sweatshops, it probably wouldn't be a very pretty sight.



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